Unfold it

Of Silence.

2011-03-05T17:18:00.000-08:00

These past days, I have been starting the day off really early. Works pilling up,so a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. haha ok random. but yeah, it's been a really long day, long week. I have two assignments to finish up this week, and another test in between those two due dates. yes, i know, ryte. my favourite line these past week has been 'i think i just died' or 'i'm dying' or simply just 'kill me!!'. anyting that has got to do with death. so that I don't have to face the world anymore. I think the world hates me -__-"

anyways, I have realized that I enjoy silence, most of the time. I prefer being alone,but I don't like feeling lonely.that's the worst thing a human being could ever feel.but it's just weird right, I want to be alone but I don't want to feel lonely.doesn't it means the same?NO, of course not.sometimes you could even be in a room full of people and yet you feel so lonely inside.somestimes it's fulfilling to just sit in a library,listen to the music,and trying to understand a 34pages of case in front of you.well,you could only reach the fulfilling level when you've actually understood the case,but you get what I mean right.it's just,doing your own thing.well at least this principle applies to me.hehe.oh yes, and I think I like it better when my phone is on silent mode.haha isn't that just simply bizarre.

people has been saying thing like"if you dont talk,you're not gona be a good lawyer" or, "a good lawyer is the one that defends himself/herself"or, "are you just going to keep quiet in the court room then?". that's a pretty narrow thought.well, at least I think.just because I'm silent, doesn't mean I don't have the ability to talk.just because I'm quiet,doesn't mean I'm a corward or I'm scared of you.just because I don't defend myself doesn't mean I have nothing going on in my mind at that precise moment. I'm silent because I'm listening. I'm quiet because I'm thinking. and I don't defend myself because I'm actually giving you space to talk because I know that's what you want out of the argument.I don't want to lower my standard to yours. I don't need attention. I'm here to gain knowledge. not to show off.I'm not saying I'm smart or anything,but just remember this, just because a person is usually of silence, doesn't make then any less than you are, as a person or as a student.my father told me that the most quiet girl in her class is now a High Court judge.so now,as a law student, I actually have an authority to what I'm saying. :)

so, I just think that there's nothing wrong about not being talkative or a defensive person.there are many many MANY other elements to be considered.probably,better elements.some, you probably just can't see.because you've been using all your sights to things that actually,hm doesn't matter, shall I say.

ok,my point here is actually me enjoying silence.but of course,a normal stressful law student would have gotten emotional and talk about everything else related to the topic.haha.so yeah.I shall go no futher because a copy of a case beside my laptop has been jumping up and down the whole time I'm blogging.so I shall entertain them.and of course finish up my assignment.bye!

Hard time

2011-02-14T05:23:00.000-08:00

I don't know why it seems like the circle I'm living in is so messed up. Everything feels so wrong. And everyone is so mad at each other. It so, sad. Just sad. It's such a hard thing to do when you're dealing with people's heart and you youself is trying to balance your own emotions. Girls are just like that,huh? We're just hard.to.deal.with. So complex. But I'm sure that one day we'll understand the beauty of it. Because after all, we are friends. And I believe in happy endings. :)

110111

2011-01-30T05:01:00.000-08:00

Lantern that had for the past few weeks emitted a dim, sooty glow-like stars
seen through smog city-were now out of kerosene
creating darkness so complete
thats you couldn't see your hands
even if they scratched your face

-you

She's a Dancer.

2011-01-18T10:36:00.000-08:00

Eventually after 3 years of retiring, last Wednesday, I danced. :) oh yes, I couldn't explain the feeling. it's just so very beautiful. I've always been dancing, my whole life. so coming back to that abandoned part of me awakens my soul.and guess what.now I want to start dancing again.hahaha NO.ok I know I can't do that and pass law school at the same time.this is not high school, na-ah.so I shall keep that dream of mine and start to F O C U S.

and regards to this entry, I shall rewind my so-called memory(sometimes I believe that I have none bcs I cant seem to remember much -_-") to my years of dancing.i started to dance when I was little.about 8 or 9 years of age. Ballet. always, never fail, to bring a smile to my face.I love love Ballet. but I quit few years after that because according to my mum , I was shy.I only remembered, I didn't have friends.(I've always been a very reserved girl,and still am)whatever it is, I regretted that decision I made and when I proposed an idea to my mum that I wanted to continue Ballet, she said I'll quit again. (and I was about 15 years old then). ok, can't blame my mum.

and after Ballet, I tried traditional dance. I think I started at the age of 10.but I wasn't really into it.I was shy,yes -_-". it was when I entered high school that I started to love the beauty of it. Zapin, Joget, Jawa, Contemporary etccc. yes, I did it all. it was one of the most amazing experience I've ever had, period.it wasn't just the dance, it was the dancers too!we were like family.we shared the same interest and it's absolutely amazing to get to spend most of my time with them.so much fun.but I started to slow down when I was 16. (bajet nak focus SPM.haha)

at the same time when I was in high school, I was a gymnast too. Rhythmic Gymnastics was the love of my life. it's like coming back to the years when I was a ballerina. I shall say that it was one of the thing that I've achieved the highest rank and proud of. I wasn't a great gymnast. but I was happy.so, yeah.it was amazing. we had all the apparatus and my favourite was ribbon!hahah :D

through all those years, I never knew where I got the talent.both of my sisters weren't into it as I was. it was when I retired(hahah bajet) that I knew my mum was a dancer and a cheerleader/gymnast.and to my suprise, I found out my grandma was a dancer too!hahah.and now all of it make sense.

yes, I miss dancing.of course.I think I've grown fat because because I stop dancing.hehhh!nonethelesss,that passion of mine shall stay and will never fade.it's part of me and made me who I am today.I embrace those beautiful amazing years I had,but I know some things will end at some point in life.but, I think every once in a while it's okay to refresh myself. :)

it'safreakingwildhorse

2011-01-18T10:21:00.000-08:00

Like what they say is a silver lining,
stepping in the darkness
of all the chaos,
washing that heart with sparkles,
filling the night with twinkles.
Open that blank eyes,
take everything in,
but never make it full,
and the soul will run free,
wild horses.
Look at that pale face,
approach,and there shall stand a chance
to colour it life.
Your steps are oxygen to me,
and letting me breathe in with your presence,
out,as you leave.

Runaway

2010-12-19T05:59:00.000-08:00

running away doesn't solve the problem.but at least it calms me down.
I'll walk back home when I'm done.then I'll figure it all out.
I'll be fine.I'll always be.

:)

2010-12-19T05:29:00.000-08:00

if I could make notes for myself and stick it on the wall, I swear all the notes can turn into wallpaper.i just have so many things to remind myself.people forget right,I'm no exception.especially when I'm taken over by emotions,I tend to forget.there are just so many life lessons.each and every one of us has different list.but in the end,everyone just wants to be happy :) and that's all that really matters.

haram.

2010-12-18T05:38:00.000-08:00

kalau cerita pasal haram, banyak benda yang haram.tak payah la nk point out satu-satu salah orang lain.benda haram yang orang lain buat.duduk depan cermin tengok diri sendiri dulu.betulkan salah silap diri dulu.kalau rasa-rasa diri tu buruk, layak ke nak komen dan mengutuk orang lain yang buruk jugak?
do you actually think that you're in a good position to look down and ridicule other poeple for their mistakes?
we are all humans.we all make mistakes
we are all the same.

black is MY new black!

2010-12-17T05:21:00.000-08:00

I don't know why I suddenly have this obsession over the colour black. I know I know, everyone loves black.but the thing is, I've never looked at black as 'my' colour. I mean yes it's elegant and all but I don't prefer black over any other colours. I've always wanted a 'different' look and I thought black was just ordinary.as my friends put it, I like to make statement with shoking colours.like my red cardigan, pink shoes etc. so I just realized that only NOW that I've actually appreciate the colour black.heh, lambat gila kan, yes I know. so I've been buying black skirt, black blouse, black scarf and I've been looking for a black handbag! what is wrong with me?I've gone mad! ok,I've always been mad anyway, but this is just crazy. semua nak pakai hitam kot. what is my problem?let me just answer myself, I have no idea.oh wth, I'm currently enjoying the colour and embracing my obsession!haha :D

p/s: oh and the picture is to prove how much I love black.haha.and tgh perasan.almaklumlah, tak dapat jadi model.so tak payah kutuk, let me just have my moment ok.thank you

My Snowman

2010-12-17T04:28:00.000-08:00

I had a strange dream. There was a girl and a guy, in a cold snow.

I saw a girl under a bridge. I could tell that she was really mad and upset. She was screaming and crying to a guy in front of her. It seems like she's breaking up with him. He keeps on trying to calm her down. It seems to me like he'll never give up on her. Patience was written all over him. But the girl never stopped crying. She looked all messed up and horrible.

That went on for a really long time and I got really cold. Snow was falling even heavier now. It was as cold as the girl was. I got tired of following their drama and I turned around. That's when a saw a guy standing behind me. I didn't realize when he came but it seems like to me that he has been standing there the whole time. I told him I was cold, and that I was sleepy. He didn't utter a single word. We just laid down on the cold snow. I don't know why, I didn't feel so cold anymore. He puts his jacket on me and we faced each other. I could feel his warmth without a single touch. We were staring at each other. The fact that we didn't know each other wasn't even awkward at all. It was peaceful and calming. It's like we're travelling in each other's eyes, trying to find a place called home. I feel safe, after a really long time.

When I looked back under the bridge, the couple was gone. And then I fell asleep. I woke up at a different place. I never knew what happend to the guy who accompanied me. I didn't even know his name. I thought about him every once in a whole now. I really want to get to know him. I call him, my Snowman. And it was a strange dream.

falling

2010-12-13T08:46:00.000-08:00

this is me,swallowing my pride
i let my self fall,again
when i've sworn to myself it'll never happen again.
and there you are,working your way in a crowded room
staring at me,right through my heart
i fell.
run,catch me!

A box of plans.

2010-12-12T07:41:00.000-08:00

And finally, I'm free!literally.free from law books and stress. :) this is so absolutely awesome.well I have to say it's a bit weird at first.going back home and realizing that I don't have to open any books and write notes or memorize cases.it feels, FREEEE!

I, finally, after a few months bought a what-I-think-is a good book my Paolo Coelho, Brida.started reading a few pages and I have a good feeling about the story.very awakening.i miss flipping pages of a book, reading every words with my soul and feeling a strange loneliness in a calm silence.

I have a box full of plans and dreams for this 3 weeks time I have for myself. I hope everything goes as planned.I'm putting a really high hopes on it.and I have a really good feeling about this.I hope I won't give up or back out.I need more adrenaline,I am a teen. I should drink more coffee.yeahhh,I don't know how,but somehow I just feel like coffee is my own personal spirit booster.haha.

I think it's pretty obvious that this entry is really really random. I swear I have so many things to say.But I guess I'm just too lazy to type.Twilight is distracting me,urgghhh.I suck at multitasking.I should go now.please pray that everything I planned work out perfectly.I really need it.and now I shall focus on Edward's beauty.byee

a wild horse

2010-11-29T10:52:00.000-08:00

I walk back home with every single tears shed
walking forward and moving backwards again
doesn't feel like I'm moving
but never do I want to stay here

I want to runaway
I want to run free
like wild horses
can you please let me

Time bleeds me
and the longer I feel
I'm not sure how long it can hold
the clock is ticking
and every second counts

All I ever wanted
is right at the other side of the door
stop pulling me
just let me find my key
let me be

so-called life

2010-11-29T10:45:00.000-08:00

Crying yourself to sleep
screaming in the dark
let the wind blow your hair
and staring outside the window.

this is for you.

2010-11-24T02:14:00.000-08:00

I don't even know where to start. I think I'm not really good with changes. Differences make me feel a little, hm, awkward and different. somehow the combination of these feelings make me feel sad. I saw it coming. long before. but when it finally comes, I'm still not ready. I thought I know what to expect. turned out, I'm not really good at seeing the future. or maybe I just don't know myself enough.

You were all of it.
ALL OF IT.
you were the world to me. I forgot, the world isn't mine.it's not yours either.
you know who you are.yes,you.we don't own the world.

Goodbye.

2010-11-19T20:18:00.000-08:00

Hey, look!

You just blew your chance!

What a loss.

Oh well, guess it will fly somewhere else.somewhere better.
Good for it.

GOODBYE, you fool!
Have a great life! :)

GOING NUTS

2010-11-18T05:35:00.000-08:00

I have issues.problem.dilemma.whatever you want to call it.I just can't study when I'm home! it's reeeally extreemely dissapointing.well,I'm not a nerd.I enjoy going to library,but not to stay there for the whole freaking day! I don't know why can't control my own mind.I mean, it's my OWN mind.and I can't even tell myself what to do?it seems to me like my surrounding determines what I'm suppose to do or what mood I should be in.not good.not good at all. I should be on the table right now struggling to memorize tonnes of cases.and yet here I am.in front of the tv,with laptop on my lap.ok seriously Siti Khadijah.this need to stop.you have your final exam next week.why are you here?what are you doing here?why are you still typing??!ok.I will go study.I swear I will.now,can you tell I have issues?ok fine,I'll go.

bye.

God help me!

please.

I don't want to fail my exam.no no.not even in the options.

yes, I'm going.

ok,this is a serious goodbye.

...............

Mine.

2010-11-15T07:23:00.000-08:00

I can't stop myself from clicking the replay button to Taylor Swift's Mine video clip. It's really awesome, I swear. Because let's be real, at the end of the day, regardless whatever happens or whatever we've achieved, we just want that special someone to be our home where we go back to. and for them to be there every single day. we just want to be happy. I think that's why I've been such a huge fan of Taylor. she writes about true life stories. she made all the simple things beautiful. that's why girls can really relate to her songs, including me. :) seriously,not just some of her songs,all of it! there's a story behind all the lines.

Let's just be frank, all of us,girls especially,want to be the girl in the video.meeting a guy in the most unexpected way and time, and looking at him and just know that our whole life is right there standing in front of us.I know it may sound a bit,crappy i shall say,but it's true.well,at least to me.or maybe I just watched too much drama.whatever it is,the thing I'm trying to point out here is that, we just want to be happy. that simple. we want to have a house, the person who loves us unconditionally and build a family with him. everything else will falls into place eventually. after all, we're all created in pairs and it's a duty to have a family isn't it.

Oh yes,sometimes I do feel like giving up on everything and just wanted to get married and have kids yadayadayada,you know. I feel like that's my life's purpose,and nothing else really matters. but,reality check,I still do have other duties to fulfill.my time will come, I know.scary much.

So, if you're a girl, you should really check out the video.and if you're a guy, you should check it out too, if you really care about whatever i just mumbled about. ;)

p.s: I'm getting Taylor's new CD tomorrow! :D

we are all

2010-11-13T06:22:00.000-08:00

we are all writers
we think
we make decisions
and we write
life is our story
every second counts
every letter matters
so, if it's a horrible story
blame the writer ;)

some thoughts.

2010-11-11T03:15:00.000-08:00

can I just stop by and say Hello?or maybe Goodbye?I just want you to look at me,even for a split second.

you're the most interesting creature I've ever met,period.are you even human?

I have that magnetic force towards you.it's not that I've never felt that before,but you're just so different.so much more that meets the eye.

do you notice me?have you even looked at me?

"stupid,period."

A Tribute to My First Flower

2010-11-10T02:37:00.000-08:00

Can flowers really make you cry? can it make me cry? oh I remember the first time I planted a flower.it was a red daisy, my favourite. I wrote a poem on red daisies back when I was 12.yeaaaahh, I know.wth.haha.anyway,the first time I saw it, I was at my grandparents' house in Muar.it was love at first sight.I loved it right away.still love it now.so I went to Tok Wan and said; "Tok Wan, Siti nak bunga tu boleh tak?nak tanam lah kat rumah.boleh hidup tak?cantik."well,something like that.mind me, I have short term memory loss.and of course Tok Wan gave me the flower.so when I reached home, I planted it on the tiny little garden we had that now become a parking space.

I fed it with love and affection.haha ok I only watered it.and I had hopes and dreams that our garden will one day be filled with my red daisies.and how pretty it will look.and I will take care of it as if they're my babies.

But I don't know, I was just so busy with life and whatnot, I totally forgot about my flower!the next time I check, it was gone.dead and gone.yeah can you tell how long I was busy.I never planted anything after that.

p.s: I've never gotten a flower by anyone my whole life.

the Art

2010-11-09T03:16:00.000-08:00

I look at the art
it looks sad,but with so much hope
wants me to try.
I tried,feeling sympathy.

I went through all the colours
drown in all the different shapes and directions.
At times I feel splashes of joy
at different times I cried of sadness.
I knew what I felt the first time was true
"I can go much deeper than this",
"the depth isn't enough for me".

So I distant myself
it looks sad,the colours darken
as I feel the soul broken

I'm a free-spirited self
but the art strangled me
It is without doubt beautiful,
but not meant for me.

A Shooting Star :)

2010-11-05T07:03:00.000-07:00

Hey, we went out and you shine
I love staring at your beautiful eyes
Your laugh fills my entire day
Sometimes you act like a fool
But never it lessen anything about you
You're so full and beautiful

You drove me around the city
Paid the food for me
It was a real short and sweet moment

You're like the shooting star
We meet,rarely
But I miss you,always :)

Where do I go from here?

2010-11-04T04:15:00.007-07:00

I was in denial. I complain and I hate. Life, these past few months was so astonishingly sad and depressing for me. I rebel, and I cry, and I point my finger to what I thought was the reason for all this. I blame everything around me for making me feel like this and making me go through this life that I've never wanted to become a part of. I blame my surrounding for giving me such a negative aura, I blame my parents for making me do whatever that I was doing now, and I blame my friends for making it more difficult for me. But I never blame myself. I never looked at myself and try to find the reason in me. I was so mad and sad that i forgot. I forgot about the other four fingers that was pointing at me.

I thought that this wasn't what I was born to do. This was never me and it's just what people want me to be. But then again, if it was true, how did I survive my foundation year? And if I really suck at this, how on earth did I manage go get (what to me is) a really good pointer on my final exam during my foundation year?

Yes, and then I found the answer. I was afraid. I was just afraid. I'm afraid of failing and not being able to face it. I don't think that I would ever accept failure. All these while, I'm used to achieving my targets, and here, I feel intimidated and I was afraid. I was living in fear. It's like I could feel it coming, and I keep on running and running and when it hits me, i fall. And i bleed.

It was all in me, all the reasons and answers. But i keep on blaming everything else and unconciously making it more difficult for me. I didn't want a challenge. I just wanted to be happy. But, how do I grow if I don't take the challenge right?

Life will not always go my way, as much as I wish it will. But, I'm trying to embrace it and make the best out of it. I'm not anymore in my comfort zone. I'm in a phase where I have to push myself in order to survive. I can't anymore forsee if I'll excel, suceed or fail. But right now what I can do is just to gather all my courage and strength and face it. Face life. I'm done running. Yes, I did fall and bleed. But now I have an option to stand back up again and face it or I can keep myself bleeding for God knows how long.

You were

2010-10-31T04:59:00.000-07:00

Look at those skies
They're screaming your name
I'll race you to the stars
Drown myself more into you
The speed isn't closing me in
I'd breathe your love
Fade into those glances
The broken clouds open a little space
For you to shine in me.

-

2010-10-24T09:21:00.001-07:00

If what I'm doing right now isn't what i wanted to, and never was my dream, then tell me what should be my reason to keep myself moving forward?

hnw

2010-10-19T17:54:00.000-07:00

Hello normal wednesday!

i've been missing you :)

When it hits,

2010-09-18T20:55:00.000-07:00

I don't know why I'm here, what I'm doing here. I don't even know this place. It's a stranger. A strange place. So foreign to me. I don't want to be here.

I long for a place I've never been given the chance to be in. I miss it. I miss me. It's all falling apart. I'm losing myself with every second i spend here. It's eating me out. This passion I have, I don't even know where it is anymore. It's been buried so deep inside, covered with all the pain, I hardly feel it anymore. Yes, I swear it's killing me. It's all wrong. All wrong. Mistakes.

I can't tell you what it really is.
I can only tell you what it feels like.

I don't know what it is.
I only know how painful it makes me feel.

God, please give me strength to pull it together. I don't want to fall apart.

Suprises!

2010-08-28T06:59:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was an absolute fun!hehe.terharu gila dyana, nadia, kireen, qis, shahrul, syazwan and rizlan buat suprise.first time kot :D

Mula2 mlm tu dyana n nad, roomates tersyg nyanyi kan birthday song tepat 12am.then that was it. esk nya ada tutorial n lecture law soc. lps tu sume dyana n nad duk bising2 nak blk. sedih gilaaaaa :( to make things worse, i have to call a list of firms for the LCC. birthday kene buat keje. sedih!then tiba2 kireen kesian then offerkan diri nk teman buka sama2.so plan nk pergi OU. ajak dyana n nad tp dua2 mcm mls nk lyn je. ok then dh pukul 4.30 pm nk pergi OU tiba2 kereta kene clampppppp!!!!TERBAIKKKKKKKKK!!!the best birthday present everrrrr! so not funny ok!!grrrrrrr marah gila! last2 we decided to take a cab sbb kireen dgn semangat waja nya nk pergi jgk keluar! dia nk pergi curve pulak sbb xpernah pergi sana. ok so ikut je.

smpai2 sana beli tshirt F.O.S atas hasutan kireen.hehe tp comel so xpe :) then dh nk buka puasa minah tu xdecide lagi nk buka kat mana!boleh x??perut dh lapar gila dh niiii!! last2 gi mcd je. then tiba2 kireen xnk mcd so she bought the meal utk aku sorg je.dia xda. -___________-" aduhh minah ni.dia kata td nmpk ada kedai mkn mcm best je nk mkn sana.so angkut jela mcd tu bwk gi kedai dia tu. then smpai2 je the Garden tu nmpk nadia.then tiba2 dlm otak "eh nadia?apa dia buat kt sini?" hahaha.then nmpk rizlan pulak.pastu br nmpk semua org. hahahaha diorg kenekn aku rupanya!

pastu diorg nyanyi birthday song lagi. dpt cupcakes yg sgt cute!awwwhh.and nad dgn sgt sweet nye take note aku pny status kt fb mlm tu that says "19 candles 19 wishes?". and guess what?i got my 19 candles!!yeayyyyyy!! :D and then makan2, amek gmbr, bual2, lawak bdoh sume as usual.hehe.u guys are the best!love you too peeps!!

and then bila dh blk tu tgh lepak2 kt bilik tiba2 faeqah call.tny kt mana.then aku ckp kt bilik.pastu aku tny dia lupa ke birthday aku hrni.sedih gila xwish2 pown lg!then dia mcm terkejut gila.lupa :( hm xpe lah.at least td dh celebrate. then almost midnight tgh elok2 dgr lagu tiba2 org ketuk pintu bilik dgn sgt kuatnya.SGT KUAT OK! nk gugur jantung!! dlm hati "ni mesti psl clamp td tu.hishhh nk apa lg". then bkk pintu faeqah, sha n aida pgg cake smbil nyanyi birthday song.awwwwhhhh sweet gilaaaaa :) sumpah terkejut. then ajak diorg masuk bual2 kejap, mkn cake then diorg blk.

all and all it was a freaking awesome birthday! a great way to celebrate the last year as a teenager. is there such thing?hehe apa2 lah.yg penting kwn2 suma sgt2 sweet. sayang korg lah! <3333

p/s:pics will be uploaded later on.and the 19wishes list will also be posted when i'm done listing it down. :)

We'll Be A Dream

2010-08-26T08:27:00.000-07:00

At times in life, I feel like poeple will just walk beside me when they need me. And when there's a moment in time when I need them to really be there for me, they'll make themselves invisible.

I don't want to have to say this but it's true. I wish it's not. I guess that's life huh. That's how people are, and how they'll always be. There's absolutely nothing I can change about it. And there's no point of even trying to. But I definately can change myself. I don't have to make everyone feel happy. Especially when they doesn't make me feel the same way.

Ramadhan

2010-08-13T06:24:00.000-07:00

today's the third day of puasa.
buka puasa with nadia farihahaha just now at mamak.
haha :D
sedap ouhh!
anyway, puasa this time around is a lot harder since i'm fatter now.
i constantly need food to complete me and since it's the fasting month, i feel incomplete the whole day until it's maghrib.then i'll be the happiest kid on earth.
heh i know i shouldn't be saying that.
hikmah bulan puasa adalah untuk tahan nafsu.
ok ok, tgh belajar nk tahan niiiii.
hm.hopefully bulan ramadhan ni dapat keberkatan.
harap dipermudahkan segala urusan.
lately ni rasa macam everything is so hard.
selalu rasa down and sad and hopeless.
bukan nak merungut but it's the truth.
sedih sangat rasa macam ni.
i want to be enthusiastic and happy and excited and all of those things i used to feel.
i could hardly recall the last time i feel so happy and excited.
it's probably during my school years.
yeah i know.sad.
it's so dissapointing that i'm turning into this, stranger.
i feel so disconnected from my surrounding.
i don't feel excited or curious to get to know people or what's going on around me.
i'd be more comfortable alone.
though it makes me sad.
i really really hope i can go through all this and not lose myself.
i just want to be happy.
hopefully this month could bring me at least a little joy and strength.
amin.

new place.

2010-07-30T05:46:00.000-07:00

alright.so,this is my fourth week here.
it's been really hectic and tiring.
i feel like i don't get enough sleep,which doesn't happen often to me.
i guess i have to get myself use to this because everyone's been saying that this is how it's going to be like in the next four years of my existance here.if i don't have to extend my studies,but that will be another story.
hm ok.i really hope i can get through all of this.seriously,it's getting really scary.
i really want to enjoy my time here.i want to make full use of it.
there's been a lot of incidents that could possibly break all my my strength and spirit but i'm really trying to be strong and take it as a challenge.
it's not that easy and sometimes i feel like quitting would be easier and less painful.but then it would just be a waste.and i really want to get myself to another level.something like improving myself.moving forward.so i guess i have to keep up.
i hope i can go through all this.i really want to prove that i can do it.
ya Allah,permudahkanlah urusanku.amin.

Educational Trip!

2010-06-30T19:42:00.000-07:00

at last, i'm proud to call myself a true Johorean!hahaha.ok over.but like seriously,i'm proud of myself.muzium negeri lain pernah pergi tp negeri sendiri xpernah pulk.haha.

well not anymore sebab two days back i went there with Afiqah and Zyra.it was great!i have always loved going to historical places.so pergi istana Johor tu was definately a time well spent to me! :)

it was b e a u t i f u l! really.it's not like what i imagined it will look like,it was better!interior dia warna kuning and baby blue.i know it sounds weird but you should see it by yourself because it's not something i could describe.selalu kan istana warna kuning je tp istana Johor tu ada warna biru,memang unik gila.but in a good way of course.

my favourite part of the istana was the view of the Dewan Santapan from a level higher.besar ok dewan tu.mcm dewan makan dekat movie Harry Potter tu.haha.masa mula2 tgk tu mmg caught in the moment la.rasa mcm, OMG this is amazing.this place is beautiful.

ok so we were not allowed to take pictures inside the museum, of course.but we did take picture outside of it.hehe.so here's some of my favourites.

i can't believe it took me over 18years to visit the place.but as they say, it's never too late.hehe ;) i was definately mesmerized by the beauty of it. maybe orang lain rasa macam biasa2 je but the thing about me is that i have always loved everything that comes from the past.well,almost everything.the stories, books, places, clothes, language, photographs.it gets me.i know,weirddddd.i'm trying to figure out why.but that will be a whole other story.hehe.alright,until then!

Love,
SK

I'm back!

2010-06-25T08:35:00.000-07:00

So, i have been away.for over a year.hehe
have been busy with life and such.
and then just now,out of the blue, i felt like reading my blog that i have totally forgotton the content of and suddenly felt the rush of wanting to write again.
oh how i missed writing so much!
and as the title says, I'm back bebeh!
and hopefully now i can write consistenly and not be away for that length of time again.
i'll try. :)

Silver Shadow

2009-04-28T22:18:00.000-07:00

Like a silver shadow
flying across the room
amazes the eyes that are looking
but all the sudden
left the dark room empty
again,gone
time and differences
it has taken over
captivate the feelings
to hide from that pair of eyes
that used to bring so much joy
kills inside
wanting to scream,hear me
time still exists
that's all it takes
if I could embrace
and gives an ounce of comfort
I would
but hate is starting to fill up that heart
don't lie,i could see it clearly
the depth of regret,unevitable
I shall not blame
if I could say a line
to make it all clear
but I know it's never enough
not for you
it is all gone
the silver shadow
i'm sorry

There's so much more than meets the eye

2009-03-30T08:29:00.000-07:00

first of all,human being is a complex organism.i don't think anyone is very much straight forward.you never know what people could do.sometimes, we think we're too good,we tend to look down at other people and when they did something beyond our standard we put them to,they caught us by suprise.we can't deny this fact.which happens to me all the time.i can tell you the whole story,ah tp menyakitkan hati shj.

i think everyone is unpredictable.the way our mind and other people's mind think is very much different.we might know their behaviour or habit, but we could not predict everything they will do because their decisions and view on certain things differ from us as they are in a different situation.

sometimes when poeple look at others,they tend to label them or hate them immediately.it's not fair.you don't know who they are.just because they don't dress,talk,or behave they way you do doesn't mean they're not nice.get to know them.have a decent conversation with them.no,you won't be able to know that person 100% that way,but at least you'll know a thing or two.better than nothing aite?

well thats basically what i want to say.everyone is so much more than meets the eye.don't judge a book by it's cover peeps.

karma

2009-03-19T08:55:00.000-07:00

baiklah kanak2.
ni aku nk nasihat something eh.
korg xpyh la benci kesalahan yg org lain buat sgt2 eh smpai nk kutuk2 gile pny.
sebab last2 nanti kan korg pulak akan buat bende yg same.
time tu org lain pulak akan kutuk korg.
itulah kuasa karma iye.
what goes around comes around bebeh.
kalau iye pown benci kn,nasihat je la baik2.
kalau die xnk dgr ckp,lantak die ah.
korg pown xperfect kn.ada buat slh jgk.
biase la manusia kn.
jgn la nk buat tunjuk perasaan pulak smpai nk perli2 sume.
ish xbaik tau.nanti korg kene blk.betul.
tau tau?
haha saje je.tetibe tgk kwn aku lalui bende ni.
then dlm hati aku ckp la,kan tu lah kau dulu bukan main lagi kutuk2 *****,sekarang kau pown buat bende yg same,malu x?hehe.
tapi aku tgk die cm xmalu je.aku yg dgr die cite pulak yg malu.terus tersentak dowh.
nk ckp pown xterkeluar dr mulut.
pny la terkejut.haha.
xsangka gitu.dulu bkn main kutuk org kn.
aku bkn lah nk mengaibkan sesiape tp pengajaran bersame eh.
sesiape yg terasa,sorry la.xda niat pown.
aku pown xperfect jgk.saje je nk share kt sape2 yg sudi bace. :)

Insanity

2009-02-27T05:14:00.000-08:00

ok.so literally i'm 18 this year.well on the 27th august to be exact.i dont why,i feel like i'm old.18?dammit.haha.i know its a bit crazy,but yeah i feel like i'm old.god, i have self issues going on.

when my friends said we're 18 and we're going to college or whatever,i feel like i'm gona blow up.cant stand the fact that people are saying i'm 18 already.i feel like everything is going too fast.its pretty pathetic,i know.i dont know why i feel that way.maybe because i enjoyed my life more when i was 15,i guess.yeah i know,pathetic.move on already!

it scares me a little.ok, a lot i have to say.i'm gona further my study soon.doing everything on my own.learn to be independent yadayadayada.all that thing,u know.i bet everybody felt that way before right.at least i'm normal.lol.and new friends.hah!i can be really pathetic during first encounters.not sure if anyone wants to be my friend.it will take time i guess.ryte.like i can handle time.*sigh.

as much as i feel all that,knowing the fact that i'm going somewhere soon gives me a boost of excitement.i can't lie.it's like a new chapter.another journey.feels like i can invent myself again.ok,i should stop this.i'm losing my sanity!damn.haha.i have to fix myself now.

People

2009-02-22T07:33:00.000-08:00

i look around and try to figure them out.they way they think and see things.somestimes it amuses me,really.how a teenager could actually have a mind of an 8 years old,or maybe worse.

for instance, they barely know me and never had a decent conversation with me, yet they hate me?yeah, wth right.how can you hate someone you don't even know?i don't get and never will get them.how i deal with them?i don't.

some people are smart when it comes to school.but when it comes to real life,they fail,badly.letting other people take advantage of your weakness and strength is just unacceptable.you know you deserve better,yet you still hold on to the one that bleeds you.why?love.is love really that easy?giving it all away to those that hurt you over and over again?get over it and move on.yes its hard.but then again,what is easy to be done?

fame.really,what is it?what about it that make teens these days are willing to do anything and everything for it?showing off skin,flattering your curves,being around those so-called-famous-people,following the trends.is that really you?what happend to friendship, personality and individual interest?doesn't people value that anymore now?

and then there are people that actually think they're smart,matured and have gone through a lot that it makes them think that they have the right to judge other poeple's lives.saying things like, 'u pernah ke basuh baju?tak gune washing machine', 'i rase die takkan boleh punya masak sendiri,or cuci jamban.die tu manja sgt', 'kau boleh mintak ape2 je yg kau nak kt parents kau.aku xboleh', 'kau xrase semua kesusahan aku time kat hostel' etc etc etc.oh please,people have different ways of learning things.poeple have different journey.maybe not as great as yours,but we will go through it eventually.and if you think 'poeple like me'[if you could understand], never gone through hard times or never felt sad, you're absolutely wrong.you only see what we choose to show.stop acting like you know everything about us, because you don't.

people refusing to hear other people's point of view, unable to accept other people's ideas and always think they know best.i call them narrow minded people.they're quite a challenge to deal with.they never listen.they just talk.they're not as flexible and it's pretty ironic.i had a few arguments with this kind of people.frustrating?yes.productive?no.but then again, how can you expect them to understand you?you're the one who should understand them.

as much as those kind of people pisses me off,i try not to let them ruin my beautiful life or dominate my mind.and thanks to them, they made me become a much stronger and wiser young lady.

Paradise

2009-01-28T08:27:00.000-08:00

this extraordinary land
when did you take me?
i barely remember
the exact moment
i just follow

when i'm awake
i'm with you
when i close my eyelids
i see you
inseparable
am i going insane over this?
i wish i could explain

you held me
you know you have me
i walk with you
see so much of you in me

i am a mess
but you love me so beautifully
so very exact
deep within
i never knew anyone could

i glance at you
i know this place
paradise

group writing part 2

2008-12-30T06:57:00.000-08:00

fadzlee and i were group writing again.he said not to write bout love.so we came up with this.i thought that it's pretty cool.

-FadZlEe- says:
dust filled the air..

pikkaboo says:
and let me eat it

pikkaboo says:
feel it grow inside of me

pikkaboo says:
crawls beneath my skin

pikkaboo says:
trying to fill these empty spaces

-FadZlEe- says:
fills the night with glee

pikkaboo says:
dancing through time

-FadZlEe- says:
glancing at the future..

pikkaboo says:
to taste the reality

pikkaboo says:
that captivates the present

-FadZlEe- says:
i close my eyes..

pikkaboo says:
and the nightmare begins

group writing

2008-12-23T05:55:00.000-08:00

this is my fav writing ever.its so cool.we were group chatting on the msn and figured out to write something together.so much fun!i just love them.

qaqa:faeqa
fadzlee:fadzlee
pikkaboo:siti khadijah

qaqa says:
there are sparkles in your eyes that only i see;

pikkaboo says:
it penetrates within me

-FadZlEe- says:
lights my life..

qaqa says:
i miss your warmth embrace

pikkaboo says:
that hold me together

-FadZlEe- says:
graces me pass life

qaqa says:
i utter your name each second of each day

pikkaboo says:
i wonder why u can be everything else but this?

-FadZlEe- says:
it;s killin me..

qaqa says:
it's my heart you take

pikkaboo says:
i cant go on another day like this

-FadZlEe- says:
thinkin u could be the one..

A Beautiful Lie

2008-10-20T01:00:00.000-07:00

have you ever felt something so close to you
you could reach it in a blink of an eye
yet you kept it all inside
let it captivate and take over you
there's some sort of joy with the chase
the laughter you can't seem to hold inside
the one you'll cherish all your life
it may take you into another world
far beyond your imagination
you'll feel like it's heaven on earth
there's no need to dream
because dream suddenly became reality
but when you try to reach it
its just a lie
a beautiful lie

Another Glance

2008-10-11T05:34:00.000-07:00

once upon a time has all gone by
red rose's petals turn to black
my heart spills everything out
and swallowing everything in
stand there and please just try
chances are everywhere
fate has written everything for us
i just couldn't see where it is bringing me
dont look away
please dont,i beg u
look at me,once again
please,just take another glance
i want u to know
what is there to see
from the ground of the earth
u made me fly away
we both fell to the stars
have u forgotten?
how does it felt like?
dont throw it all away
dont break me to pieces
all u need is just a reason
all u need is another glance
i know u're pretending
holding it in
dont leave me

Love

2008-09-28T22:05:00.000-07:00

it crawls underneath everyone's heart
the desire to find love
some says it kills you from inside
and that it hurts so bad you could not feel anything
regardless all that
everyone wait for it,still
even if its impossible to reach
perhaps because of love itself

i found it in you
in so many ways
even just the way way you look at me
how we travel through each other's eyes, depths inside
we tell eveything that words cant
you touched my soul
and because of that
my heart always finds it way to yours

when i feel like i'm broken to pieces
i dive in you and i feel so content
i'm whole again
because you complete me
not just as a lover, but as a person

nothing will do it just
not papers,words or music
what you heard or thought doesn't matter at all
because its only a feeling
just felt
but so much