a wild horse

I walk back home with every single tears shed
walking forward and moving backwards again
doesn't feel like I'm moving
but never do I want to stay here

I want to runaway
I want to run free
like wild horses
can you please let me

Time bleeds me
and the longer I feel
I'm not sure how long it can hold
the clock is ticking
and every second counts

All I ever wanted
is right at the other side of the door
stop pulling me
just let me find my key
let me be

so-called life

Crying yourself to sleep
screaming in the dark
let the wind blow your hair
and staring outside the window.

this is for you.

I don't even know where to start. I think I'm not really good with changes. Differences make me feel a little, hm, awkward and different. somehow the combination of these feelings make me feel sad. I saw it coming. long before. but when it finally comes, I'm still not ready. I thought I know what to expect. turned out, I'm not really good at seeing the future. or maybe I just don't know myself enough.

You were all of it.
ALL OF IT.
you were the world to me. I forgot, the world isn't mine.it's not yours either.
you know who you are.yes,you.we don't own the world.

Goodbye.

Hey, look!





You just blew your chance!

What a loss.

Oh well, guess it will fly somewhere else.somewhere better.
Good for it.

GOODBYE, you fool!
Have a great life! :)

GOING NUTS

I have issues.problem.dilemma.whatever you want to call it.I just can't study when I'm home! it's reeeally extreemely dissapointing.well,I'm not a nerd.I enjoy going to library,but not to stay there for the whole freaking day! I don't know why can't control my own mind.I mean, it's my OWN mind.and I can't even tell myself what to do?it seems to me like my surrounding determines what I'm suppose to do or what mood I should be in.not good.not good at all. I should be on the table right now struggling to memorize tonnes of cases.and yet here I am.in front of the tv,with laptop on my lap.ok seriously Siti Khadijah.this need to stop.you have your final exam next week.why are you here?what are you doing here?why are you still typing??!ok.I will go study.I swear I will.now,can you tell I have issues?ok fine,I'll go.

bye.

God help me!

please.

I don't want to fail my exam.no no.not even in the options.

yes, I'm going.

ok,this is a serious goodbye.

...............

Mine.

I can't stop myself from clicking the replay button to Taylor Swift's Mine video clip. It's really awesome, I swear. Because let's be real, at the end of the day, regardless whatever happens or whatever we've achieved, we just want that special someone to be our home where we go back to. and for them to be there every single day. we just want to be happy. I think that's why I've been such a huge fan of Taylor. she writes about true life stories. she made all the simple things beautiful. that's why girls can really relate to her songs, including me. :) seriously,not just some of her songs,all of it! there's a story behind all the lines.

Let's just be frank, all of us,girls especially,want to be the girl in the video.meeting a guy in the most unexpected way and time, and looking at him and just know that our whole life is right there standing in front of us.I know it may sound a bit,crappy i shall say,but it's true.well,at least to me.or maybe I just watched too much drama.whatever it is,the thing I'm trying to point out here is that, we just want to be happy. that simple. we want to have a house, the person who loves us unconditionally and build a family with him. everything else will falls into place eventually. after all, we're all created in pairs and it's a duty to have a family isn't it.

Oh yes,sometimes I do feel like giving up on everything and just wanted to get married and have kids yadayadayada,you know. I feel like that's my life's purpose,and nothing else really matters. but,reality check,I still do have other duties to fulfill.my time will come, I know.scary much.

So, if you're a girl, you should really check out the video.and if you're a guy, you should check it out too, if you really care about whatever i just mumbled about. ;)

p.s: I'm getting Taylor's new CD tomorrow! :D

we are all

we are all writers
we think
we make decisions
and we write
life is our story
every second counts
every letter matters
so, if it's a horrible story
blame the writer ;)

some thoughts.

can I just stop by and say Hello?or maybe Goodbye?I just want you to look at me,even for a split second.

you're the most interesting creature I've ever met,period.are you even human?

I have that magnetic force towards you.it's not that I've never felt that before,but you're just so different.so much more that meets the eye.

do you notice me?have you even looked at me?

"stupid,period."

A Tribute to My First Flower

Can flowers really make you cry? can it make me cry? oh I remember the first time I planted a flower.it was a red daisy, my favourite. I wrote a poem on red daisies back when I was 12.yeaaaahh, I know.wth.haha.anyway,the first time I saw it, I was at my grandparents' house in Muar.it was love at first sight.I loved it right away.still love it now.so I went to Tok Wan and said; "Tok Wan, Siti nak bunga tu boleh tak?nak tanam lah kat rumah.boleh hidup tak?cantik."well,something like that.mind me, I have short term memory loss.and of course Tok Wan gave me the flower.so when I reached home, I planted it on the tiny little garden we had that now become a parking space.

I fed it with love and affection.haha ok I only watered it.and I had hopes and dreams that our garden will one day be filled with my red daisies.and how pretty it will look.and I will take care of it as if they're my babies.

But I don't know, I was just so busy with life and whatnot, I totally forgot about my flower!the next time I check, it was gone.dead and gone.yeah can you tell how long I was busy.I never planted anything after that.

p.s: I've never gotten a flower by anyone my whole life.

the Art

I look at the art
it looks sad,but with so much hope
wants me to try.
I tried,feeling sympathy.

I went through all the colours
drown in all the different shapes and directions.
At times I feel splashes of joy
at different times I cried of sadness.
I knew what I felt the first time was true
"I can go much deeper than this",
"the depth isn't enough for me".

So I distant myself
it looks sad,the colours darken
as I feel the soul broken

I'm a free-spirited self
but the art strangled me
It is without doubt beautiful,
but not meant for me.

A Shooting Star :)

Hey, we went out and you shine
I love staring at your beautiful eyes
Your laugh fills my entire day
Sometimes you act like a fool
But never it lessen anything about you
You're so full and beautiful

You drove me around the city
Paid the food for me
It was a real short and sweet moment

You're like the shooting star
We meet,rarely
But I miss you,always :)

Where do I go from here?

I was in denial. I complain and I hate. Life, these past few months was so astonishingly sad and depressing for me. I rebel, and I cry, and I point my finger to what I thought was the reason for all this. I blame everything around me for making me feel like this and making me go through this life that I've never wanted to become a part of. I blame my surrounding for giving me such a negative aura, I blame my parents for making me do whatever that I was doing now, and I blame my friends for making it more difficult for me. But I never blame myself. I never looked at myself and try to find the reason in me. I was so mad and sad that i forgot. I forgot about the other four fingers that was pointing at me.

I thought that this wasn't what I was born to do. This was never me and it's just what people want me to be. But then again, if it was true, how did I survive my foundation year? And if I really suck at this, how on earth did I manage go get (what to me is) a really good pointer on my final exam during my foundation year?

Yes, and then I found the answer. I was afraid. I was just afraid. I'm afraid of failing and not being able to face it. I don't think that I would ever accept failure. All these while, I'm used to achieving my targets, and here, I feel intimidated and I was afraid. I was living in fear. It's like I could feel it coming, and I keep on running and running and when it hits me, i fall. And i bleed.

It was all in me, all the reasons and answers. But i keep on blaming everything else and unconciously making it more difficult for me. I didn't want a challenge. I just wanted to be happy. But, how do I grow if I don't take the challenge right?

Life will not always go my way, as much as I wish it will. But, I'm trying to embrace it and make the best out of it. I'm not anymore in my comfort zone. I'm in a phase where I have to push myself in order to survive. I can't anymore forsee if I'll excel, suceed or fail. But right now what I can do is just to gather all my courage and strength and face it. Face life. I'm done running. Yes, I did fall and bleed. But now I have an option to stand back up again and face it or I can keep myself bleeding for God knows how long.