Where do I go from here?

I was in denial. I complain and I hate. Life, these past few months was so astonishingly sad and depressing for me. I rebel, and I cry, and I point my finger to what I thought was the reason for all this. I blame everything around me for making me feel like this and making me go through this life that I've never wanted to become a part of. I blame my surrounding for giving me such a negative aura, I blame my parents for making me do whatever that I was doing now, and I blame my friends for making it more difficult for me. But I never blame myself. I never looked at myself and try to find the reason in me. I was so mad and sad that i forgot. I forgot about the other four fingers that was pointing at me.

I thought that this wasn't what I was born to do. This was never me and it's just what people want me to be. But then again, if it was true, how did I survive my foundation year? And if I really suck at this, how on earth did I manage go get (what to me is) a really good pointer on my final exam during my foundation year?

Yes, and then I found the answer. I was afraid. I was just afraid. I'm afraid of failing and not being able to face it. I don't think that I would ever accept failure. All these while, I'm used to achieving my targets, and here, I feel intimidated and I was afraid. I was living in fear. It's like I could feel it coming, and I keep on running and running and when it hits me, i fall. And i bleed.

It was all in me, all the reasons and answers. But i keep on blaming everything else and unconciously making it more difficult for me. I didn't want a challenge. I just wanted to be happy. But, how do I grow if I don't take the challenge right?

Life will not always go my way, as much as I wish it will. But, I'm trying to embrace it and make the best out of it. I'm not anymore in my comfort zone. I'm in a phase where I have to push myself in order to survive. I can't anymore forsee if I'll excel, suceed or fail. But right now what I can do is just to gather all my courage and strength and face it. Face life. I'm done running. Yes, I did fall and bleed. But now I have an option to stand back up again and face it or I can keep myself bleeding for God knows how long.